Handmaiden Article: The Orthodox Bride

By Niki Kraus +++

The Orthodox Christian understanding of marriage is far, far different from the image of marriage set up for us on the newsstands and in soap operas and talk shows. The media and our own day-to-day experience in modern America condition us to believe that marriage is a simple legal contract, dissolvable at any time through an equally simple divorce. Further, the contract period must begin (especially if it’s to be “successful”) with a wonderful, fanciful wedding with acres of lace and thousands of seed pearls, a country-club setting, hundreds of generous guests, gourmet food, and a really good string quartet.

But a wedding is not a social event or the biggest party of your life, or an opportunity to be the perfect host and get gifts galore. A wedding is, in the Orthodox Church, a mystery (called a “sacrament” in the West) in which the Holy Spirit marries or unites a man and a woman to work together in Christ toward salvation, and the appropriate celebration of that great, long-lasting gift. It is one more step in a very difficult, but now shared, lifelong journey!

But, there is not a young bride-to-be alive—myself included, twelve years ago—who hasn’t thumbed through the pages of Modern Bride magazine, memorized the checklists that appear in every issue, and started her “List.” For an Orthodox Christian bride- or groom-to-be, the must-knows of wedding etiquette, pre- and post-wedding-day necessities, and important “to dos” can be greatly expanded to include the spiritual:

The Location

It goes without saying that the most appropriate venue for the administration of a mystery of the Church is in an Orthodox Christian church building. The betrothal and crowning services in which the mystery of marriage is celebrated are no exception.

Weddings on horseback or skimobile, at the beach or botanical gardens, may be beautiful and unusual—but there is no consecrated ground, no Holy Altar, and no iconostas. In rare cases, Orthodox priests may perform a wedding service outside a church building, but doing so requires permission from the bishop and a really, really, really good reason. For example, a small mission parish we know of could accommodate eighty people, but both the bride’s and groom’s families were large and four hundred guests were expected. There were no other Orthodox parishes within an acceptable travel radius, so a tent was erected on the field beside the church building, a “portable” antimins was provided by the bishop (who was a guest), and icons were placed on easels to approximate an iconostas. If you have a burning need to skydive, be wed on the golf links, or exchange rings in the woods, by all means plan a reception at the local airstrip, golf course, or park!

Another question that often arises is which parish should be chosen? His family’s? Her family’s? The one they will attend together? This decision is often difficult, and made based on proximity to the most guests, size or facilities available, a special relationship with a certain priest, etc. The only faux pas you can make here is approaching a priest you don’t know at a parish you have never attended, and expecting that the priest will conduct the services for you with no questions asked. He must ask: Are you Orthodox? Which parish or parishes do you attend regularly? Who is your spiritual father, and can I have his phone number? Have you prepared for this mystery properly, by meeting with a priest, praying, etc?

The Date

Traditionally, wedding services in the Orthodox Church are performed on Sundays or weekdays during non-fasting seasons, so the bride and groom do not have to abstain from food and physical intimacy on their wedding night in observation of a fast or in preparation for Holy Communion the next morning. Unfortunately, this necessity can sometimes make travel difficult for family and friends, or cause problems with work schedules.

Before setting a date, talk to your priest about potential wedding dates that work with the Church calendar. Consider scheduling the wedding for the long Memorial or Labor Day weekends, or over the Fourth of July weekend, if you have a lot of out-of-town guests.

The Dress and Veil

Many priests will ask to see the bride’s and bridesmaids’ dresses (or pictures of them) before the wedding, to make sure they are appropriate for the occasion. One priest I know jokes that the one time he didn’t ask, the bride “showed up in a strapless beaded thing slit up to there, and she wore beaded panties, too!,” so now he always asks.

General dress-shopping guidelines are really common sense: all attire should be modest and appropriate for church. No strapless, off-the-shoulder/ bare shoulder, or backless styles; no plunging bodices or thigh-high slits in the skirts; no see-through stuff (except the veil and sleeves). If you want to see shoulders at the reception, consider choosing dresses with jackets that can be worn during the service and removed for the reception. If you’re in doubt, ask your priest for guidance!

Also, bring the bride’s head covering (hat, tiara with veil, etc.) to church sometime before the wedding to make absolutely sure it works with the crowns, then bring it to the rehearsal as well. At our parish, Fr. Stephen gives the sponsors a chance to practice holding crowns up above the heads (and head covering) of the couple at the rehearsal if Russian-style metal crowns are used. These crowns are very heavy, and could be dropped. They may also have sharp edges that need to be wrapped or taped so they don’t snag or tear. At a wedding we attended recently at a neighboring parish, a crown just back from replating had a sharp edge that cut the matron-of-honor’s hand.

The Best Best Man

Choose your wedding party—the marriage sponsors (best man and maid- or matron-of-honor) and attendants—with great care. They should be family, godfamily, or friends—preferably all Orthodox, but some priests allow non-Orthodox attendants—who pray and live a Christian life. This is very important, because praying is their most important duty at the wedding service and throughout your marriage: to pray for you, your salvation, your health.

The Guest List and Invitations

Be sure to include your godparents among the wedding party and/or honored guests, if they are still living, and don’t forget to invite your parish priest, deacon, and cantor (and their families) to your rehearsal and reception. (If they’re not close friends, it’s easy to overlook the important roles they play in the services.)

Also consider including a pamphlet or letter explaining the elements of the betrothal and crowning services with the invitations to non-Orthodox guests, so they are prepared for what will happen. Your priest may even have one already made up! (If you need to start from scratch and write your own, make sure to get your priest’s approval of the text before you send it.) The pamphlet also makes a nice memento of the wedding for family scrapbooks.

My husband’s Roman Catholic grandmother—who hadn’t read her pamphlet—was appalled that she didn’t see the rings being put on our hands. In her mind and experience, this was what “married” us. Since this was done in the narthex or extreme back of the nave, and she was in the front row, she felt like she missed everything!

The Music and Readings for the Services

An acquaintance of mine, married in the Roman Catholic Church several years ago, received a ten-page list of choices for processional music and the three different scripture readings. It took her weeks to decide which ones to use and who among her family and friends would sing and read. She was panicked for a week before the wedding mass that her brother would stumble over the difficult words in his assigned reading, and nearly died when her best friend—and chosen soloist—developed laryngitis.

Mercifully, for an Orthodox Christian bride, the music and readings are already decided, outlined in the service books and rubrics of the Church. The cantor or choir director will have everything ready, so all the couple needs to fuss about music-wise is the reception! (In some parishes, the couple also have the opportunity to choose from a short list of music to be sung before the service begins.)

For our wedding, my husband and I received permission to ask the cantor from the parish we attended in college—a close friend, the Reader George—to read during the services, which he did beautifully.

Items Needed for the Services

For Orthodox Christian betrothal and crowning services, several items are used liturgically:

· decorated candles for the couple to hold during the services;

· flowers for in front of the iconostas, behind the altar, and on the tetrapod;

· an icon for the tetrapod, usually of the “Wedding Feast at Cana”;

· rings for both the bride and groom, for the betrothal;

· crowns—The crowns may be either Greek-style flower or pearl wreaths linked by a long, white ribbon (called stefana), or Russian-style jeweled metal crowns. Flower wreaths may be ordered from the florist with the other flowers (bouquets, corsages, reception-table centerpieces) or from a specialty supplier, and may be live or silk. If you are using metal crowns, make sure your parish has a set, and that they are in good condition;

· a common cup—We used a crystal, chalice-shaped wine glass that matched our crystal pattern at our wedding. It’s now displayed in our china cupboard, front and center.

If your wedding is on a Sunday or on a weekday when a Divine Liturgy is served, don’t forget to pack some snacks in the box of items going to the church building, especially if you have very little time between Divine Liturgy and the betrothal and crowning services. Don’t let a rumbling stomach or light head disrupt your wedding because you fasted for Communion and didn’t have time to eat.

Finally, remember that our Lord Jesus Christ and the Theotokos attended and enjoyed at least one wedding reception! Take along an oversized icon of Christ to hang on the east wall (or display on an easel) during your reception if it’s not being held in an Orthodox parish’s banquet hall. There’s nothing stranger than standing up to ask the Lord’s blessing, and facing a blank wall!

Photos and Videos

Your priest will probably have special instructions to give to the photographer/videographer immediately before the services begin, especially if he is not a member of the parish or has not worked weddings in your parish before. Make sure the photographer really understands about Orthodox wedding services, even if he says he has done Orthodox weddings before.

Fr. Stephen told our professional-but-Protestant photographer that he couldn’t cross between the wedding couple/priest and the Holy Altar (i.e., walk or stand in the center aisle) during the service, and he wrongly assumed he couldn’t go “in front” of where we were standing, even off to the side. All of our wedding photos are from behind! (My train looks great, though!)

In retrospect, I should have made a diligent effort to find a professional photographer who was Orthodox (there’s a great one in our parish, I now know!), not only because of the “where to stand” issue, but because he would have known the important elements of the service and what to anticipate.

“Renewing Your Vows”

In many Protestant and Roman Catholic churches, couples celebrate “big” anniversaries by renewing their wedding vows in a service almost identical to their wedding or wedding mass. In the Orthodox Church, there’s no need to “renew” or “reaffirm” this ongoing mystery—in fact, it’s not appropriate!

If you’re approaching your fifth, tenth, twenty-fifth, or fiftieth anniversary, consider asking your priest to pray a molieben (service of thanksgiving) for you after Divine Liturgy on the Sunday after your anniversary date. It’s very, very appropriate to give thanks to God for His blessings on your marriage . . . and you can always follow that up with cake and punch at coffee hour, a garden reception lunch at home, or some other festivity. (This is also fun if you’ve moved and made very good friends in your new home and parish who weren’t at your wedding.)

Resources

St. John Chrysostom, On Marriage and Family Life. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1997.

Fr. John Meyendorff, Marriage: An Orthodox Perspective. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1984. Note: this book includes the full texts of the betrothal and crowning services.

Fr. Charles Joanides, Pastoral Guidelines for Interfaith Couples: What has the Orthodox Church said about interfaith and intercultural marriages? (http://interfaith.goarch.org/guidelines.html)

The Orthodox Wedding “To Do” List

Don’t forget to include the following in your giant list of things to do before and after your wedding . . .

Two to Three Months Before the Wedding

· Ask your priest for the name of an Orthodox church near where you will be honeymooning, and put the information with your airline tickets, reservations, etc.

· Include a special “thank you” donation to an Orthodox mission, monastery, or a charity such as IOCC, etc., in your wedding budget.

· Collect and/or order the liturgical items for the wedding (listed in the section “Items Needed for the Services”).

One Month Before the Wedding

· Include tithing to the Church and additional donations to

· Orthodox and non-Orthodox charities when you set up your monthly budget. Don’t have a monthly budget yet? Make one now, and stick to it!

· Ask your priest to bless your new home or apartment.

A Week Before the Wedding

· Give the rings to your priest for blessing. (He will likely bless them during the Divine Liturgy before the wedding, but better they be on the Holy Altar early than lost by a nervous groom or best man.)

· Merge your prayer lists if you haven’t already done so, and discuss your “joint” rule of prayer.

· Read through the text of the betrothal and crowning services together, and concentrate on the prayers sung by the priest. (They’re very meaningful and inspiring, and it’s guaranteed you won’t remember them if you only hear them the day of the wedding!)

One to Three Days Before the Wedding

· Prepare for and go to Holy Confession, and encourage/remind your Orthodox family and friends to do the same. (Before the rehearsal is a good time. Make an appointment early!)

· Give the best man a thank you and an honorarium for your priest, which he will deliver to the priest after the wedding.

The Day of the Wedding

· Remember to “keep up” your daily rule of prayer! Prayer will calm your butterflies (if you have them), and put you in the right frame of mind for the day.

· Prepare for and receive Holy Communion with your future spouse and Orthodox family members. If married on a weekday without a Liturgy, partake together on the nearest Sunday or feast.

The Sunday after Your Honeymoon

· Remember to tithe back to God in thanksgiving from all the cash gifts you received.

A Spiritual “Gift Request” List

When registering for gifts or preparing a gift wish list, don’t forget the list of “spiritual necessities” you’ll need for your first home together. They’re just as important as the pots, pans, dishes, and linens! You may even get some of them as gifts from people “in the know” about Orthodox home life (hint, hint!):

· icons for your icon corner;

· an icon corner “shelf” or small table;

· a Psalter according to the Seventy (LXX);

· a “family” Bible and service books (with bigger type for group reading);

· a hanging vigil lamp or standing oil lamp, and olive oil;

· a censer, incense, and charcoal;

· a pretty, wide-mouth bowl (to hold holy water when the priest comes to bless the house)—you can even get ones made specifically for this purpose, with the Theophany icon in the bottom;

This article originally appeared in The Handmaiden Vol. 6 No. 3.